I am eternally grateful to everyone who showed up, sent a note, or was there for me in any way. It really helped me feel like I wasn’t alone in this journey. But when your friend or family member is diagnosed, it’s hard to know what to say. You want to help, but you’re afraid of doing the wrong thing.
FIELD NOTE
To be honest, there is nothing better than a consistent ‘Thinking of you, no response needed’ - perhaps add a photo of you in better times or something you think you’d enjoy. A couple of friends did this to me weekly, and it made my day every time.
Please don’t feel offended if you don’t receive a reply. Thoughtfulness and consistency mean the world.
I found visitors really exhausting during my first round and welcomed them during my second. Other people may feel differently. But you need to be attuned to what the sick person needs, not vice versa. They won’t have the energy to entertain as they may have been able to previously.
- Be available in case they want to talk or have a visit, but don’t push for it.
What to say (and what not to say)
WHAT TO SAY
- I love you. I’m here.
- I’m thinking of you every day.
- I don’t know what to say, but I want to be with you in this.
- Can I take something off your plate this week?
- What do you want to talk about?
- Do you want to talk about it, or should we talk about something else?
- [Insert something that will bring them joy]
- Nothing - just sit there and let your friend or family member rest
WHAT NOT TO SAY
- At least it’s ‘insert silver lining.’
- Have you tried ‘insert miracle cure’?
- My distant relative had cancer and cured it with ‘insert miracle cure.’
- You’re a fighter / you’ve got this one / you’re strong - This has nothing to do with physical strength.
- How did it happen? What is happening? - Do not ask for specifics unless offered. It is traumatic to replay the same story and line of questions constantly. Don’t presume that they did something wrong to get it.
- How is the treatment going? - They likely don’t know. Depending on the treatment, they may not know for a few weeks or months after. Don’t ask.
- You look great! How are you feeling? - This can be triggering. It’s easier to say ‘It’s nice to see you’ or ‘It’s nice to be with you.’
How to support in real life
- Show up consistently, not just in the beginning. Especially show up towards the end and after treatment.
- Be cognizant of your own health before seeing someone undergoing cancer treatments. When unsure, err on the side of being cautious and wear an N95 mask.
- Offer specific help
- Be mindful of their energy. I got drained after fifteen minutes. Be hyperaware and sensitive to their body language and eye movements.
- Respect digital boundaries. Texts can be less draining than calls.
How to support/give gifts
I was unbelievably touched to receive gifts; it was very meaningful for me and helped me a lot during treatment, especially when other ways of showing love, such as physical touch and quality time, were challenging.
When sending gifts, you can view it in terms of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Until someone’s basic needs are covered, it’s challenging to focus on anything else.
PHYSIOLOGICAL NEEDS (BASICS)
- Home-cooked meals (freezeable or easy to digest)
- Bone broth, electrolyte packets, or snacks they like
- Soft pajamas, cozy socks, or a heating pad
- Unscented lotion, lip balm
- Eye masks
- A cozy blanket to bring with them to appointments
- An acupuncture appointment (check first)
- A massage appointment (check with them first, the masseuse should have oncology experience)
- Noise-cancelling headphones or an iPad if they don’t have one, for time in the hospital
SAFETY AND STABILITY
- Help with logistics: rides to appointments, walking the dog, groceries
- A go-bag for ER visits
- Setting up medical spreadsheets or appointment reminders. Supporting with managing medications. A fun pillbox
BELONGING AND LOVE
- Regular texts (”No need to reply, just thinking of you”)
- Handwritten cards
- Voice notes, silly memes, love letters
- Record a song or a poem for them
- Build a music playlist for them
- A record player - someone sent this to me with records, and it was a thoughtful gift
- Flowers (or plants, so they last!)
ESTEEM AND CONFIDENCE
- Photos of them with friends to look through
- My family gave me a digital photo frame and set it up, which was great
- A surprise photoshoot before treatment
- A comfy cancer uniform set
- Jewelry
SELF-ACTUALIZATION
- Travel watercolor set or other portable art supplies
- Magazines
- Legos / puzzles
- Writing or journaling kit
- Poetry, short story, or art book
- Online class or subscription to something they love (nothing that requires full attention)
✦
You can’t choose the circumstance, but you get to choose the meaning. And now that it’s happened, you can use it to build a life that feels true and deeply, and wildly alive.